Latest stories from Pilgrim’s Friend Society
Latest stories from Pilgrim’s Friend Society
Janet recently took a ‘workshop’ with a group of older people who were caring for their husbands or wives. Janet used to be a psychogeriatric nurse and care home manager, and knows about the strain that caregiving can be when you are the main carer. She is one of our speakers and trainers. She’s also aware that family caregivers tend to neglect looking after themselves.
She said, “it was a real privilege to share with them. Being a sole caregiver is a very demanding role. They are all doing a very good job, and giving it their utmost, but like so many others in their position they feel inadequate and doubt their capabilities. Simply being able to share their common experiences with one another was so helpful. Knowing that others have similar burdens, and completely understood their cares and concerns helped them see things in an entirely different light.
“Caregivers put their own lives on hold and are totally preoccupied with their loved ones’ needs. When I asked these dedicated folk what one thing would make a the most difference to them, they all said, “to be able to please myself sometimes”. They said that their timetables revolve around their spouse’s needs.
“They also said how sad they were when friends asked how their spouse was, but not about how they were doing. It was such a joy to share with them the importance of caring for themselves, and to give themselves some ‘Hot Chocolate’ moments.”
A ‘Hot Chocolate’ moment is doing something that you like deliberately for a short while, to give yourself a break. It comes from the TV commercial where a frazzled mother hired a babysitter so that she could go into the kitchen and make herself a cup of hot chocolate – which she promptly took into another room altogether where she was alone to enjoy it. “Hot Chocolate” can be whatever works for you: listening to a piece of music, reading a chapter of a book, meditating, doing some stretching exercises, phoning a friend – whatever does it for you!
This group of family caregivers, who are living in our retirement flats in Yorkshire, have decided to get together once a week to talk, and to share over a cup of tea. They’re going to call it their ‘Hot Chocolate Group.’
It’s good guidance for people who’d like to come alongside and help. If you know someone who is caring in this way, you might like to offer to sit with the husband or wife to give them a little time to themselves. Interestingly, they probably won’t take a ‘Hot Chocolate’ moment, but get on with their normal jobs, like ironing or vacuuming! It’s the pleasure of the familiar routine. This doesn’t matter – the choice is theirs. A wife I met whose husband has dementia says she likes to go into the garden and pull some weeds or deadhead the flower bushes.
And be sure to ask how the caregiver is feeling! It goes without saying that they won’t see themselves as a ‘caregiver’ but simply a husband or wife or adult child or brother or sister who is doing their best in an unexpected role.
It doesn’t take a lot to ask, “how are you?”. And sitting for half an hour, or even an hour won’t take all that much out of your life, but will contribute hugely to theirs.
After a marathon debate lasting over 24 hours, the Lower House of the Government in Victoria, Australia, passed legislation that could clear the way to Voluntary Assisted Suicide in the country. The bill needs to go to the Upper House. If it gets through the Upper House, terminally ill people over the age of 18, in severe pain and with only a year to live will be able to access lethal drugs. If passed, the legislation will not come into effect for 18 months to allow for its implementation.
The legislation includes a range of safeguards. Patients would have to make three requests and see specially trained doctors, and coercing someone to seek a medically assisted death would become a crime.[i]
In the UK, the High Court once again rejected a challenge to existing law. Noel Conway, 67, who has motor-neurone disease and breathes with the aid of a ventilator, said that wished to enable doctors to be able to assist him in having a “peaceful and dignified” death. His legal argument was based on his right to his “private life and family life”. However, the judges maintained the current law, ruling that anyone who assists Noel Conway would be committing a crime.[ii]
The case was opposed by the Secretary of State for Justice, with Humanists UK, Care Not Killing and Not Dead Yet UK also making submissions.
James Strachan QC said that it was inappropriate for the courts to interfere with Parliament’s legitimate decision on the “sensitive moral, social and ethical issue” raised by the case.
The Care Not Killing Alliance said, in a statement, ‘it was pretty clear that they [the High Court Judges] had put a huge amount of weight on the medical evidence and the evidence from disabled people about how any change couldn’t be controlled and they’d also looked at what had happened in other jurisdictions”.
Heather Blackwell and her husband Ken are long time supporters of our work. Here’s a story she sent us (it’ll be in our next Pilgrims’ Magazine) about God speaking to her father, even in days of dark depression. Heather writes:
‘My father spent fifteen months at Shottermill House, in Haslemere, before his death. My mother survived him by 5 years and passed away there too. Dad had been a pastor and a very active practical man. In his last months he rarely spoke and showed symptoms of dementia alongside prostate cancer. He was morose and obstinate mostly, to mum’s distress. Three weeks before he died my husband and I visited him, for the last time.
‘It was nine o’clock at night when we eventually got there, and dad was in bed. He was suddenly himself, pleased to see us with flashes of humour. Ken asked him if he would like a cup of tea and while he was away, dad and I chatted.
‘He told me he had dreamed of Jerusalem ‘my heavenly home’ He went on to say that in the last months, while he had been silent, God had been speaking to him. I was eager to know! Dad said the Lord had reminded him that the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand,’ (Psalm 37: 23, 24, KJV).
‘This brought such comfort to me as I realised that dad had reached some place of acceptance of his losses. We read Psalm 121 and prayed together. In the morning, dad dressed in his suit with a carefully pressed hanky in his top pocket. With mum, we played scrabble and as usual, he won, convincingly. The news went around that Jabez was smiling. Different staff came by to see this rarity!
‘This is my last happy memory of my father and I am so grateful. A day or two later he regressed and didn’t leave his bed again. We were so grateful to know that in that dark time of depression God had been speaking.
Ethnic minorities are better at ‘social care’, and we should learn from them, said Jackie Doyle-Price, the care minister at the Conservative Party Conference recently. (The Times, 4-10-17)She was echoed by Dr Phillip Lee, a GP who is also the justice minister. He told Age UK that British society has become ‘atomised’, and selfish, and ‘quite sick’.*
They both believe that families and neighbours should do more to help their elderly – and that ethnic communities are an example of how it should be done. Hot on the heels of their statements comes a report from Age UK that depression is a huge problem amongst the over 55s, because of a number of issues, including loneliness. The report said that ‘talking therapies’ helped a good deal. Well of course they would! Many people just need someone to talk to.
It’s true that ethnic communities seem to look after their elderly better than we do. (By ‘we’ I mean the collective rest of us.) Last Saturday I was at the Wesleyan Ladies UK retreat with around 60 or so ladies, including a handful who were in their 80s and 90s. It was a huge blessing to see not just the respect, but the depth of affection for the older ladies. It felt so right, so normal, so as it should be. There seems to be a warmth in ethnic communities for their seniors that we seem to have lost in the UK, even here in Wales.
So what’s gone wrong with the rest of us – and how can we put it right?
The care minister thinks that solving the social care crisis would require ‘a culture shift for every individual.’ And the justice minister, Dr Lee, says that, we all need to step up.
Sounds morally right, doesn’t it? But if you listen closely, rather than hearing a real concern for the elderly, you’ll detect the sound of the proverbial brush sweeping the nitty gritty under the carpet. Because being a good neighbour is not the same as providing social care. It’s more than keeping in touch and helping with shopping and building kind relationships.
Social care involves helping with the daily acts of living a frail older person can no longer do – like getting out of bed in the morning, showering, getting dressed and going to the toilet. It often calls for heavy lifting and hoists, something neighbours are not trained to do. And neither are family members.
Here’s something else worth mentioning. Ethnic communities generally have larger families, so the care can be shared by more people, instead of the solitary single carers who are often isolated and desperate for help. A report by Carers UK found that almost a third of long-term carers have not had a day off in five years.
The needs of older people in communities isn’t being overlooked by Christians. They are stepping up to the plate all over the country, and there are growing numbers of churches who are running befriending programmes, with very good effect. (An expert with excellent experience in this will be speaking at a conference we’re currently organising – watch this space!)
Perhaps being overlooked in this flurry is the fact that residential care homes are often the best place for a frail older person. I wrote earlier about the experience of a daughter whose mother developed dementia and who paid an agency to provide domiciliary care. The mother’s dementia worsened, spurred by experiencing 36 different carers over a six month period, some of whom cared so little about getting to know her that they didn’t even know if she preferred tea or coffee. Her daughter found her a place in a care home.
Finding a care home place is getting more and more difficult. ‘Which?’, the consumer group, has published research showing that over a quarter of people looking for a care home place will be unable to find one. Care homes are closing – and the main reason is lack of funding. It costs a lot to train staff and pay them a good wage. At Pilgrims’ Friend Society we appreciate our staff, and we value them more than Dr Lee seems to (see the Telegraph article.)
Jackie Doyle-Price says that older people should be prepared to sell their homes to pay for their care. She doesn’t think ‘it’s fair for the next generation of tax payers to pay for this generation’s long term needs.’ How odd that she doesn’t seem to realise that this generation paid for generations before them, all their working lives! When he took over the presidency of Public Health Institute a few years ago Professor John Ashton said that today’s older generation had been betrayed.
If you are interested in the practical and spiritual aspects of dementia, and are able to come to Garstang on 7th October, do book through our website!
Participants tell us that this workshop is very effective, and is based on a multi-insert dementia information pack that can be taken away for reference. We would love to meet you there!
Usually, I write about older people and the issues that affect them. Today’s blog is slightly different. It’s about mothers – a younger mother and two older mothers, and in a sense for all mothers who’ve found themselves in similar situations. So that you’ll pray for them.
I met the younger Mum near the green Le Creuset shelf in Sainsbury’s. Not the branded Le Creuset, but pots similar in weight and shape. I was looking and wondering how could Le Creuset pots be green? Traditionally, they’re flame coloured. I have one at home that’s brilliant for making stews and bolognese and curries because you can bring it to the bubble and then turn off the heat and it goes on cooking. But I only have the one because it needs a lifting hoist to get it on and off the stove. So, were these really Le Creuset style or were they just shaped like that? I picked up the nearest lid and yes (sacré bleu!) nearly dropped it. They were green Le Creuset style pots alright, on offer at a discount, too.
‘They’ll have to reduce them more than that before they’ll sell,’ said a voice to my right. ‘They’re the wrong colour.’
We began to talk, firstly about the pots and how she uses hers (she makes wonderful lasagne and puts grated carrots in with the meat so the kids will get some vegetables), and why green is the wrong colour. Then, as we turned the corner near the frozen fish she began to tell me how how sad she’d been to find, on returning from years in New Zealand, that people here have changed and aren’t as friendly as they used to be. I was so astonished I could have slipped into the fish cabinet because here in South Wales you only have to smile and you’re into a conversation. But there was a sadness about this lady, whose name is Sally ( I’ve changed a few other facts to protect her identity): the sort of sadness you sense even when the person is laughing.
Long story short – she’d had a tough start to life, but had given her life to Jesus and all went well until she married. Then, she said, ‘My husband took it all away. I just feel empty inside. Just empty.’ Her husband argues that if God existed, children would not die of illness, that He would prevent evils such as the slaughter in Syria, and so on. Sally has three children, a very full life, and her husband has a good job, but she feels empty. (Yes, there is 2 Corinthians 6:14, but how many women do you meet who feel their husband will change once they’re married?)
Of course you feel empty, I explained. Because, as an ancient bishop once prayed, ‘Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee.’ God made us in His image, and He is like a magnet to our souls. Ask Him back into your life, I urged. Get an easy to read modern version of the Bible, say, a New Living Translation. Read psalm 139, John 3:16… ‘I could listen to you all day,’ she said. ‘It’s not me – it’s the Holy Spirit drawing you back to Him,’ I told her because, clearly, that’s exactly what He was doing. ‘Come to church on Sunday,’ I added, giving her the church address, ending, ‘I’ll pray for you, Sally. And you, you talk to God.’
Do pray for Sally. We know that God knows exactly who she is. She’s the lady who knows the green Le Creuset pots in Sainsbury’s have to come down in price before they’ll sell. It blesses me that this loving and powerful God, who has numbered every hair on her head, put her next to someone who could talk for the whole of Wales when it comes to knowing Him.
And not forgetting the older mothers. Both are in their early seventies, and loved their ministries for the Lord. One used to delight in cleaning her church and the other (in another, bigger church) used to be a prayer co-ordinator. They’ve both been asked to stand down by their pastors (men in their 30s and 40s) because of their age. Both feel rejected and disenfranchised. Do pray for them and for their pastors, and for others like them.
Sunday 1st October has been designated as the International Day of Older Persons by the United Nations. They would like to see us ‘tapping the talents, contributions, and participation of older persons in society.’[i] It’s part of the UN’s international agenda on ageing, part of a plan aimed at ‘enabling and expanding the contributions of older people in their families, communities and societies at large.’
It’s a terrific opportunity for us, in our churches, to do just that. Why don’t we ask a few of our seniors to take the pulpit and ‘tell out’ what God has done in their lives? Or even, bring an encouraging word? Last Sunday, in my church, an 85-year-old former pastor gave a delightful talk on God’s power to keep us, based on John 10:28. Paul is one of our much-loved elders.
The day almost coincides with the publication of my new book, What’s Age Got To Do With It? In a way, it echoes the United Nations’ theme of involvement and participation, but even more specifically, it encourages older Christians to step into the role God intended for them as part of His life design.
To a secular Professor this is so obvious that’s he’s written an award-winning book about it.[ii] He states, categorically, that older people are meant to be the elders of society; the mentors, the balance-keepers, and the glue that holds us together. And he’s not the only one – many psychologists and commentators are saying the same thing.
Also on 1st October in church, I’ll be describing our new publication for sharing the good news of Jesus with older people in a way that brings them together over a cup of coffee (and a cake or two) to chat and share their views and experiences. One that works with a ‘guided discovery’ approach, similar to our ‘Brain & Soul Boosting for Seniors’ sessions. I’ll be looking for volunteers to run the programme with me and others. My pastor, a vigorous 40-something year old, gives his whole hearted support.
We don’t often get an International Day Of Older Persons, so let’s make the most of it!
[ii] What are Older People For? How Elders Will Save the World,’ William H Thomas, M.D.,2004, WanderWyk & Burnham, MA, USA
‘How are older people empowered by your church?’ we asked people taking part in our survey at New Wine, a few weeks ago. Around 22,000 adults came to New Wine so we weren’t short of participants! (And if any of you are reading this blog – a BIG THANK YOU!)
Older people can be like candles, lighting up the congregation – if they themselves have been lit by encouragement from others.
Are your seniors encouraged to do things for others, or are they seen as a recipient group, needing support themselves? In other words, are they servants, or needing to be served?
‘Do you feel that your church’s seniors are fully engaged in church activities?’ Answers varied from, ‘No, we could think harder about this,’ to ‘Probably not’, to ‘Mostly, but some just come for the companionship, tea and cakes,’ to ‘Yes, very engaged and active’ from a church were some seniors are elders and leaders. Here’s my favourite:
‘[They are] involved in welcoming/hospitality/small prayer groups. They encourage and support younger people, giving guidance, including financial advice. They reach out to others, sharing the wisdom and gifts and insights from the Lord and His Word.’ (My italics.)
Another said, ‘[Older people are] at our heart. All roles within church including pastoral, prayer meeing, except physical lifting.’ Which is absolutely lovely: a reflection of the biblical Levites (Numbers 8:25)!
Some participants said that they would like more younger members, as they now have more older than younger, but rather than neglecting their seniors in a push for the younger, they were being involved in their outreach. It wasn’t a case of seniors having to ‘move out of their comfort zone to accommodate the young’, as one pastor is reported as saying, but seniors encouraged to be involved, having a heart for the work. Most older people would love to see more young folk in their churches. They would also love to be able to help them more – to give financial and other advice, and to listen and pray.
God always intended that His seniors take their place in His church, and in His world. The broadcaster Debbie Thrower, whose work as a lay chaplain for older people in Winchester diocese led to the setting up of the Anna Chaplaincy network sees great opportunities for the Church. “Old age can be an intensely spiritual period of life: I saw my own parents grow spiritually, and I felt that we don’t make the most of this period.” [i]
Often older people are held back because they have a poor view of themselves. They have been ‘infected’ by secular ageism which says old age is when people are past it. Which is totally untrue, of course. God designed old age on purpose. Have a look at the special attributes that seniors have, and how to make the most of them, in What’s Age Got To Do With It? Only 17 days to go to its release!
It used to be thought that the 100 year life was science fiction. Not any more. The number of 100 year olds and people in their 90s is growing, year on year. And they are not in wheelchairs. They are active, in one way or another, writing books, teaching yoga, running marathons, and helping to care for their grandchildren. It’s as a famous science writer observed, ‘The future is already here — it’s just not very evenly distributed.’ It begs the question, if you want to live a full, satisfying life, what do you need to do? And – what do you need to avoid?
In other words, how not to be knackered at 90?
Let me explain this word ‘knackered.’ It’s an English colloquial expression described by the Urban dictionary as a ‘word used to describe a person or object that is spent beyond all reasonable use as in “He is only fit for the knacker’s yard”. The knacker’s yard was where injured and worn out horses were taken to be slaughtered. ‘Spent beyond all reasonable use’, ‘worn out to the point of extinction’ is encapsulated in this one word, and I haven’t found another that does the job as well. When I ran it by my pastor he said he knew people who were knackered at forty, never mind ninety.
It’s something you do not want to be, at any age. In What’s age Got To Do With It are people who are ninety and older, but they are not knackered. They may have had arthritis, creaky knees, and some of the various ailments that come with old age, but they are not ‘spent beyond all reasonable use.’ I tell the story of George, totally paralysed, breathing through a tube and unable to move, who did the shopping (via computer), befriended others, encouraged his wife, and helped educate his daughter.
So what is it about them? What did they have, and how can we prepare now, whatever our age, for when we will be ninety?
It’s not to do with physical exercise, although that’s a Good Thing. It isn’t to do with healthy eating, either, although that, too, is also a Good Thing. Other Good Things not to be sniffed at are getting a good night’s sleep; staying socially connected and continually learning new things. The main thing to know about how not to be knackered at ninety is that you need to have a sense of purpose, and be prepared to persevere. George persevered because he wanted to enjoy his family to the last second of his life. The biblical Jacob persevered because he wanted to marry his beloved Rachel.
Perseverance is one of the most important attributes to successful living in old age, or indeed, at any time of life. In business, pundits say it’s the key to success. In his letter to the Christians at Rome Paul reminded them that persevering through difficult times builds character, and that proven character produces hope; ‘and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.’ So the ability to persevere is both a sign of character, and at the same time something that builds character.
It makes all the difference in the world knowing that we are here by design, not by accident. God’s life design includes old age, for a very good reason. Each older person has a distinct purpose in life.
In What’s Age Got to Do With It? are check-points that tell if you are ready for the future – and what to do if you aren’t!
The book will be available from 22nd September through regular retail outlets and our Pilgrims’ Friend Society website www.pilgrimsfriend.org.uk
There’s a story in today’s Times about a son who discovered in the nick of time that his 82-year-old parents were about to hand over £thousands to a rogue tradesman. They stopped it, but the son was dismayed to learn that without his intervention the bank would have gone ahead and completed the transaction.
He was doubly dismayed because the bank,(RBS) knew his parents had been victims of a £275,000 shares scam a few years before.
The son thinks that the bank should have investigated the current deal before allowing the payment, and to an extent, this is what the bank says it would have done. But the bank’s default position is that they will transfer money on a customer’s instructions.
A friend of mine has a job with a complicated title that I can’t remember, but put simply it means he gauges global credit risk and a lot of it has to do with computers and mathematical patterns. I imagine it involves sophisticated algorithms, and clever stuff like that. I know that if I forget to tell the Bank that I’m going overseas I can’t use my card at an ATM without calling them first.
Both these transactions were out of kilter with the patterns of the parents’ regular behaviour, as their usual transactions were small, and the bank would have known that they were both in their 80s. The bank said that they’d checked with their customer and made sure that they wanted to transfer the money, and had received instructions in writing and over the phone.
Part of the problem may be that there are so many transfers these days – 70 million a month, compared with just over 8 million a month ten years ago. And we know that scamming older people is on the rise, as criminals see them as an easy target.
So how to protect them? The consumer group Which has urged the financial regulator to make banks give customers better protection from scammers. Which has advice on its website at which.co.uk/consumer-rights/scams.
Age UK has also called for banks to safeguard elderly people by spotting suspicious activity on their accounts, such as large or unusual payments to unfamiliar recipients. Director Caroline Abrahams says banks are failing in their duty by not protecting them.
HSBC has produced a very good guide, ‘Managing Your Money with Dementia’, which can be downloaded from
The Alzheimer’s Society also has a guide, but the HSBC leaflet is more comprehensive, particularly mentioning fraud and organisations that will help.
But the best protection is a good relationship with family or friends. Things like the tradesman’s big bill would come up naturally in conversation, as would the golden opportunity the shares’ scam would have offered.
A three-fold cord is not easily broken, as the NLT Bible puts it, ‘A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:12
A few years' back one of our home managers was clearing his mother's house, after she had died, and he came across a letter written to her by the midwives who'd assisted at his birth in the local hospital. It was given to his mother as she left. It was only a small, hand-written letter, but among other things they'd written that their prayer was that this newborn boy would grow up knowing the Lord Jesus. (He did!). I thought of that when I saw this photograph in an article by Peter Hitchin a few days ago. (Then today again, on Twitter.) If nurses met to pray today they'd be sent for 're-education', that is, if they weren't fired. But oh, how sadly our country has regressed. Prayer is still central to our work, though, whether at head office, in our housing or homes, or in our conferences and talks. We commit it all to God.
Christian providers of respite, residential, nursing and dementia care. Also retirement apartments for assisted living and for extra care housing, and fully equipped houses for missionaries' home leave.
We share our experience and knowledge at seminars and conferences, at national and regional level.